These wounds, they will not heal

There’s something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control
I fear is never ending
Controlling, I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence
I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure

That feeling again. Looking around you and seeing nothing. You look for an escape: writing, music, travelling... None of them seem to be the solution. You have to deal with the problem from the inside, but you don't know how. This monster follows you, and it will do it forever. You keep trying and trying, and you keep your distance with everyone in the way. Why?? Why has this to be so damn hard?? Why do I have to suffer this, and everyone that are mean to people are happy?? Why...?? I keep on asking myself that question, and I still can't find the answer. I wish I could escape, and leave all the bad stuff behind. But that wouldn't be living, that'd be dreaming (which means, impossible to fulfil).

I guess I'll have to keep on trying, go back to the way I looked a year ago, no matter how hard it is, and try to get the strenght back...